The End

Today, I've been thinking about how everything ends eventually, even life. Whenever something good is over, I always find myself lost. I have no clue what to do next. I guess, now, I just have to try and find something positive.

Senior Year

This year I've grown as a person more than any other year. I learned that everyone is going through something so there's no reason to treat them differently. I appreciate all the people in my life more than ever. On top of that, I'm a happier person than I was last year. I've made so many new friends, changed so many opinions that people had, and it's all been fantastic.

This year I've also learned to judge the significance of things. There's no reason to get stressed out over the past or things that you can't control. I see so many people freaking out about grades when they're already committed to a college. I understand that keeping your grades above average will prevent your acceptance from being revoked, but there's no need to fret if your A drops to a B.

I've also learned to appreciate the little things. Rather than looking forward to big events in my life, I enjoy the present. So many people spend time wishing they could fast forward to a certain point in life rather than enjoy what they have now. There's something to be said for being easily satisfied.

Lastly, I learned to appreciate life to the fullest extent. Sure, I have some regrets, but who doesn't. The past is the past for a reason. I'm going to enjoy every day I'm given. With all of you. I actually look forward to school just because I get to see everyone: the people that have been there for me and the people who are just becoming friends with me.

I'm going to miss all of you next year. Thanks for everything.

College

I just sent in my deposit to UMass-Amherst. I'm so excited for college. People are already talking about rooming with me, and it's an exciting process. Living by myself will be somewhat weird at first, but I'm not worried about it, since it's what I do on the weekends for hockey. The worst part is the hours spent doing school work. Other than that, it'll be a blast.

Moving On

So it's senior year, and we have less than 30 days worth of school left. I haven't done anything since the first warm day of our "winter". On top of all that, I'm already accepted into the school I'm going to attend.

No offense to all my teachers, but I have no desire to do anything for the rest of the year. There's literally no reason to. As long as I don't earn an F in any class, my future is set. It's a sad reality for the people who run the school system, but it's the way of the world.

In other news, I'm ready to meet some new peeps! Sure, I've got a bunch of awesome friends here, but some of the high school stuff is getting old. I'm excited to find some people who know how to stop being so uptight all the time. Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges.

I'm in no hurry to grow up, but I wish I could move on without the thought of being an adult constantly looming over my head. I really dislike the idea of getting a job and paying bills.

I suppose that I just need to enjoy the time I have left in my youth.

No Regrets

This weekend, many of my friends got rejected/ wait listed to colleges that they've wanted to go to their whole lives. I got rejected to my number one choice as well. But I'm not terribly upset by that.

It would have been so easy for me to get into Cornell or Boston University if I had just put in a little effort, but I didn't. It was my choice. I chose to goof off and have fun rather than do my school work, and it prevented me from going to top-notch schools. But never in my life would I trade my life and future for what it could've been.

That should be the way that all my friends who aren't feeling too good about themselves right now should feel. Everything happens for a reason, and, in my opinion, a good balance of schoolwork and fun is more important than getting into that preferred school. These are the best times of our lives, and I'd hate to see them wasted.

Growing up pretty atypically taught me a lot of things. In particular, it taught me not to dwell on the past. Regardless of how much you wish it would change, it won't. It sucks. But it's the truth.

For example, today I talked to a very close friend of mine. She got wait-listed from the school that she dreamed of going to. In my opinion, she had two simple choices:
1. Feel down on herself and be miserable.
2. Make the most of her other opportunities and succeed.

My friend is a very intelligent, hard working student. She has a very successful life ahead of her and no reason to look down on herself. In my opinion, the school is missing out on her. That's beside the point. There is no reason to wish you could change the past and no reason to feel bad for yourself.

You have to embrace life and all it's ups and downs. It's part of growing up. Life isn't easy, but it's one he'll of a ride.

Just Let Loose

"You can tell a lot about a person by what they wear." This quote is an oxymoron in itself. Firstly, it holds a lot of truth. Everyone judges based on first impressions. It's a natural human reaction.  For example, some people see someone with tattoos and dark clothing and automatically assume weirdness. It's human nature and a hard habit to escape.

On the other hand, some of the nicest people in the world have the most unorthodox style. It just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover.

People are so different from what you see on the outside. I often look at people and wonder how they think and what they feel. I want to understand them. There's a certain beauty in the way that we hide our emotions. I love watching a person who is generally introverted open up and let loose. It fascinates me because these people do things you would never expect.

Austin Randolph has been in my large circle of close friends since my freshman year. He used to be the quietest of us all. Over four years, he has slowly opened up. Every day he surprises me with something new that I would never expect kind ol' Austin to say or do. It's quite the experience.

The most integral part of a relationship between to people is comfort. Knowing that you are close enough to someone for them to be carefree is a fantastic feeling. It's what I strive for. When I'm with my friends, I do the craziest things because I know they won't judge. It's the ultimate high.

High school has taught me a lot about life. You can't always get what you want, and you can't make everyone happy. If you can find a good support group of the closest friends, it doesn't matter what else happens. The only thing that matters is that you've got 'em.

Memories

This year, I realized that my childhood is coming to an end. It's important to take advantage of every opportunity I am given with the people that matter to me. I love my friends, my family, and my girlfriend. Next year, everything starts all over. But I can't lose touch with all these people.

Every one of them is responsible for who I am as a person. They've all impacted me. The memories we share will go with me to the grave.

For example, Friday nights with my friends are always memorable. Tonight, we all purchased Nerf guns and attacked Taylor Jenkins at work. In the car, I hung out of the window, danced, sang and created four hours of laughter. I live for nights like tonight.

Now, I'm hanging out with my girlfriend. Just relaxing but still happy.

It's not always easy to be happy. But it is important to make the most of every moment of laughter and fun while you have the chance. The people important to you won't be around forever. You have to make the most of every second of every day.

This one's for you. You know who you are. I love all of you.

Forget Me, Not

Today, I read an article about a potential new drug that enables a person to forget memories. Basically, memories are created by the brain's synthesization of proteins. Each time an old memory is recalled, proteins are produced, and the brain rewires itself. The pill prevents the production of PMZzeta, the protein responsible for memory, thus preventing the rewiring of neurons. Since the neurons are not allowed to reconstruct, the memory is forever forgotten.

At first glance, this seems like a tantalizing fantasy. Every bad memory you have could be instantly erased simply by recalling it one last time. The pill only erases specific memories, so there would be no harm to the brain itself.

But I would not take the pill.

It's as simple as that. My memories are what makes me, me. They are responsible for the person I am today, a person I am proud of. Despite the recall of certain memories being regular and depressing, without them, I wouldn't understand struggle or success. My current state of positivity wouldn't be so positive because I would have no bad times to compare it with.

People who know me say I have a lot of energy. People who really know me understand that I am simply enjoying every minute and creating as many great memories as possible.

I am content with myself now, and I am finally content with my past. I don't want to forget what is responsible for my happiness. I live for the present, not the past, but forgetting is not an option. My memories keep me humble and serve as a reminder to appreciate every day I am given. My brain is full of memories, and without memories, I am nothing.

Panic

Last night, I had a rather routine panic attack while thinking about a rather routine subject: my future. As I approach my college years, I am finally seeing the end of my childhood. It scares me to death that I'm approaching these mysterious years known as adulthood. I wonder what kind of job I'll have, what kind of family I'll have, and, worst of all, will I even enjoy my life?

I hope the answer is yes, but the picture I have in mind for my future is much easier to picture than it is to create in reality. In some cases, I don't even know what I want in my future. Do I want kids? Do I want a house with a lot of land? There are so many questions that I have no answer for.

And worst of all, I'm just growing closer to the end of my life. Every time
I think about this, I go into a panic attack. My body starts shaking, and my heart starts racing. I have to step back and force myself to accept that I will be ready when the day comes. I'm setting myself up to live a happy life so that I'll be ready. This, also, is easier said than done.

Death is scary. I think the reason that people, including me, are so afraid of death is because, regardless of how strongly we believe in an afterlife, there is always uncertainty. I, personally, am not religious. I do not believe in the afterlife. A lack of spirituality could be a reason for my fear. The thought of death being the end of everything is the most depressing thought I can imagine.

I have to accept it. There is no way of escaping dying. I just need to make the most of my time above ground. I love living, but I am so scared of the end.

Coping with Death

This is my favorite quote: "One day, your whole life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's something watching."

When I spend time reflecting on my life, my experiences, and what I see others go through, I often end up at the same question: for what am I living for? I recall troubling situations that I've encountered and all the great times I've had. All of this, in the long run, is helping me define myself.

I will, obviously, not live forever. Inevitably, all of these moments will define me at a singular point in my life. When I am lying on my deathbed after a long, joyful life, how will I be remembered?

I share the common hope of being remembered as a great person. It's a realistic goal, but I have a lot of work to do. I try to help those who need it. I try to be a good friend and spread laughter. Sometimes I go to far, but it's part of the learning process.

I received the best advice from the deepest internal struggle I've ever had. One day I realized that I am the only person who is responsible for what I do. I cannot blame anyone else. I cannot let the past bother me. I am the pilot of my own life.

I realized at that point that every day has to be a new memory. If I allow one moment to escape, that's one moment I've wasted. Time here is limited; I need to make the most of it.

Death is the scariest reality I have to face. By creating fantastic memories, I believe I can live my life to the fullest. In a way, I will have achieved such a level of contentment that I win. I beat the game of life.

So, every morning, I wake up to my newfound love: electronic dance music, put an honest smile on my face, and face the world knowing that I'm preparing myself for an unbeatable opponent. The most feared, well-known enemy on Earth.

Death will not deprive me of life until I am ready to go on my own accord. When I've drained every last bit of love and laughter out of my system, I will face Death and allow it to do its bidding. I will close my eyes and watch a condensed autobiography of a great man's life. One who turned tears into laughs and hate into love. It'll be one damn good movie.

I've got a long way to go until I reach that point. Every step is preparing me for an inescapable end, but I'm going to love every step of the way.

A Little Reasoning

Mrs. Howsmon asked us to create a blog on anything we wanted. I had no clue what to write about. After a few days' pondering, I finally settled on a topic: life. It's such a simple word that means so many different things to so many different people. Rather than narrow my blog down to a single topic and risk running out of steam, I decided to pick a broader subject and base all my blogs around a central idea: life, with all its struggles and debacles, is worth living.

Creating a blog about life fancied me for many reasons. I often think about my life and where it's headed. I often think about decisions I have made and how they have effected my life. But there is one defining reason, a more personal reason, that led me to this decision. Here is my story:

I had a fairly normal childhood up until age seven, when I entered first grade. I was doing middle school math and had a high school reading level, so classes were pretty boring for me. My teacher pressured the school who, in turn, recommended to my parents that I should be tested by a third party and considered for skipping a few grades.
My parents weren't fond of the idea, but they decided extra testing couldn't hurt. After a few weeks spent outside of school working with a specialist, the results were given to my parents and my school. School recommended that I skip first grade and try out second grade. If I didn't like it, I could return back to first grade.

I hated it. Upon returning to first grade I began to develop serious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression, and anxiety. I was seeing psychiatrists and put on 2 or 3 different medications. This was extremely uncommon for a child, especially one in elementary school. I spent every night crying myself to sleep.

My anxiety had gotten so bad that I was losing touch with reality. I had developed the strange fear of being arrested despite my young age. One night, I went to Olive Garden with my parents, and a woman had her purse stolen. I had not touched the purse, let alone take it, but I spent the entire night crying in terrible fear that the police would be knocking on my door at any second. It's hard to understand how I could convince myself that I had done something I clearly hadn't, but I had no control.

On top of the anxiety, my OCD was raging. I washed my hands so frequently and feverishly that they bled every day. Strangely, I wasn't worried about contracting a virus myself, I was worried about passing one on and hurting someone else. This was partially due to a fear that someone else's sickness could be attributed to me, and I would be blamed.

Anxiety and OCD weaved a complicated web out of every facet of my life. They slowly took over my mind. I felt scared, I felt alone, and, worst of all, I felt helpless. It was almost as if I was watching myself slowly lose my own mind from outside of my body, but there wasn't a thing I could do to intervene. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced or imagined. I wanted out.

At age seven, I threatened my life to my mother's face. (I can't imagine what that must have felt like for her or more father. I wish I could have stopped myself more for how I hurt them then for how I hurt myself.) I knew exactly what I was doing at an age when I should have been more concerned with Legos. As the years of internal struggle piled up, so did the seriousness of my thoughts on suicide. At one point, my parents walked into my room and I was tying a sheet around my neck.

I got a brief break from all of my problems in third grade, but they returned again in fourth grade and lasted through fifth grade. In middle school, they returned in seventh grade and lasted through eighth grade ending, thankfully, before high school. When I found out I had to have surgery in spring of my junior year, I had a slight relapse, but, I've finally broken the chains. Inevitably, I made it out alive.

The reason for not killing myself eluded me for awhile. But, after putting a few regular years between my new self and my old self, I finally realized the answer. Despite the helplessness, the pain, the struggle, I wanted to live. Deep down inside in a place I couldn't quite find when I needed it most, I was a regular person. I just needed to be found.

Without my parents, I never would have escaped my internal prison. They never gave up and did whatever they could to help me. They gave me a reason more important to me than myself to conquer my problems. They gave my a reason to live.

Because of my struggles, I have a great appreciation for life. I try to keep a positive attitude and a genuine smile on my face at all times. I try not to dwell on negative things and let the bothersome things go. I try to spread joy and help others stay positive. Most importantly, I realized that life has it's obstacles, but the reward for living is great. A person whole lives in contentment will be happy. And a happy life is a good life.